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Action Soccer BLOG: Who said Cave Trolls couldnt Boogy? |
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Written by Faisel
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Wednesday, 22 July 2009 10:40 |
Hi All,
Welcome once again to the sports rant. I know its been a while, but try keeping up to date with all the happenings at Cell-Life and you'll see why the column has suffered recently. Apart from the exhausted traveling schedule that would make Phineas Fog envious and the healthy helpings of work and activities that would strike fear into the heart of a glutton, there have been many personal things on the horizon that have prevented me from keeping the column up to date.
We've had precious little to write about (sports-wise), apart from the massacre of last week, where the SuperCells were crushed 12-3 by a much better outfit. Im glad Ive been a bit of a Rip Van Winkle, having slept through the past few games (traveling, actually). Although it must be said - we've had poor turn-out at the last few games, as we've had staff travelling extensively.
Right, lets get it on! Theres only one thing to say before we report on last night's game. Welcome back Cave Troll, we missed you. What am I going on about? We sorely missed Mahdi Hendricks for the past few weeks. A trip to the land of sin and free will (Thailand) along with Drogba Toefy aka Captain Gung Ho left us default of our two galacticos. Add a missing Stevie G (traveling), a demotivated Pimp Daddy Conley (under house arrest -rules of the Mama Sita) and a Shoes Mukudu gone walkabout (traveling) and you have a recipe for disaster.
Last night, the goal was impenetrable. If you've ever seen the movie King Kong, you'd know exactly what I mean. Having Mahdi in goal is like having an insurance against the whole tooty fruity, including "acts of God". As the Low Riders rained in shots from across the court like a gattling gun on Red Bull, they were repelled with the fury of the Phoenix (X-Men 3). Add a bit of tight play by Bob Marley and the wailers (Hanif Allie being the biggest wailer), a back to form Drogba and an infallable Zim Runner and you have a re-make of 300 - SPARTANS - ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in HELL!!!! And thats exactly what the Low Riders had for dinner. For the top in the league to be choked into a 6-3 submission in Dan Severn style, it proves that the past few weeks of losses and no-shows had no effect on our players' psyche.
I will take some time to thank the management and the directors at Cell-Life for the great social on Friday past. It was good to unwind within the constructs of working hours and even better that we we treated to a delicious meal at Krugermann's. Im sure that quite a few of my colleagues are a bit shocked at the amount of ostrich that can be consumed by a small person and I hope that this isnt the only thing that you remember when the social is brought up as a talking point.
If theres one thing I have to say, its that Mahdi knows where all the great munching spots are. And there's more happening at Cell-Life: we have a few of our staff members taking courses to further education and upskill themselves and will soon be having a team-building workshop (on Friday to be exact). This progressive staff enhancement is unrivalled, and I dont see any way other than forward.
In any case, work is raining down in torrents, and if more than 8 are to be saved, I'm going to have to get back to what I do.
See you all next week at the play-offs. |
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Schhhhh........ its a secret! |
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Written by Faisel
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Tuesday, 02 June 2009 21:20 |
Good day everyone and welcome to Zahir's second soccer blog installment.
The game was the number 1 ranked team (who would've thought we would be saying that last season) against the promoted Schwips team. This was game that had it all, from beautiful ladies (ON and OFF the field), magificent goals, super saves, verocious tackles, bad decisions and a sending off of an inspirational player. Yes folks, what a game it was.
So here's what happened, Schwips came jogging onto the field all red and matching...quite impressive, but that didn't phase Cell-Life who as usual came out dressed in their own team style which is come as you are. That's right people nobody wore the same colours but that didn't matter because the Cell-Life team have a psychic connection that allows each player to know where the others are without even looking. Well that was what it looked like as Cell-Life went 3-0 up in the first 5mins. Then came some of the tactical changes by Schwips which was to put on some of their female players. The opposing team new what gentleman the Cell-Life team are and would never physically hurt anyone even players. This gracious attitude of the team nearly cost us as the female subs were not only taller than our players (Mahdi excluded of course) but were rough too which allowed Schwips to claw one back by slipping the ball past Faisel. Nobody could blame Faisel for that goal as he was a temporary goalkeeper to allow the team to benefit from super skills of Captain Fantastic (that's me).
At Halftime Cell-Life were definitely the happier side and were even confident of adding to the score which was now at 4-1. The second half is where the super saves verocious tackles and bad decisions took place. Schwips were obviously quicker out of the starting blocks seeing that they were at the wrong end of hammering and put Cell-life under pressure which led to some poor decisions from the ref especially after he gave Schwips a penalty for us not taking a free kick from the correct position. Anyways by this time Captain Fantast (that's me) swopped his jersey to take the keeper position because nobody can stare down a striker like I can. I guess the stare worked because as the striker to his shot which was easily saved by the quick reflexes of the Captain, once again leading from the front. This brings us to the verocious tackling part.
Captain Fantastic aka Zahir was playing infield and jumped at the opportunity of a loose ball to beat the last man which lunged at him....but that was not all....He followed that with a whip of his arm into the midrift of flying midfielder, obviously putting the player in pain. The result of that tackle turned Captain Fantastic into Captain notso fantastic. Zahir immediately stormed the player with such a rage never before seen in the league and if it were not for player manager Faisel stepping in who knows what would have happened. After the moment of madness, the players shook hands and prepared to play on when low and behold ....another poor decision by the ref. a RED CARD to the captain. This put the team under immense pressure in the last 8 mins of the game and the team made Zahir aware of that. At the end Cell-Life prevailed ending with a sweetly struck goal by Ashraf. This was however sour victory for the captain who is due to see the disciplinary committee for his reaction to the tackle.
All in ALL, it was a great game and Cell-Life are definitely getting used to the concept of action soccer as we performed regular substitutions and kept our players fresh. This allowed to Goals being scored by brothers Hanif (3) and Ashraf(1) as well as contributions from Big Mac(1) and Mr Liverpool himself Kieron(1).
Till next week
Cheers |
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Double Dragon goes Wacky Wednesday |
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Written by Faisel
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Wednesday, 13 May 2009 11:30 |
Hi All,
Once again its that time of the week...when poor Munaf's ears get a break from the constant sports chatter ... and the rest of you get a piece of the daily rants and raves of the Salsa and the Wildman.
Forgive me for taking so long to present this blog, but its crunch time at work, so there's precious little time to spend writing articles of a personal nature. I must say though, its refreshing to be spread so thin these days, although I dont know how long my duracells will last for. In any case, friday night was a double header - IPL style but with one serious flaw: a band of soldiers for the first game, and skeleton staff for the second. We started off slowly against our league opposition; Ive forgotten the team's name, but they would have done the name "Lady and the Tramps" proud. These ambling, oversized bulldogs, captained by a nice looking lady (you heard me right) had the combined ball-skill of a bunch of penguins on land chasing after a bouncy ball. However, that being said, they did have a "tiger-claw" killer instinct, as they quickly capitalised on the mistakes made by the SuperCells and scored 3 soft goals. It seemed that Big Mac had forgotten to remove his pyjamas in the first 5 minutes, or had taken some serious medication, as he was noticeably groggy, letting in 2 easy peasies. I wondered what happened afterwards, perhaps a stern word from the government whilst he was on the sideline.... but he once again evolved into his usual self and came out like the cave-troll we know he can be to show impenetrability. In the meantime, poor Salsa got his hands peppered to a crisp, and looked a bit like Little Jack Horner (sitting in a corner - rubbing his peppered hands) when substituted by our rejuvenated cavetroll.
We had some notable performances by Shoes Mukudu (Supersport won the PSL, deal with it) and Peter the Bulldog Beater, with some slick footing and skill being shown. However the shooting skill had gone walkabout for the night, and it was like having 2 Berbatovs on field (yes United fans! When last has Berbatov scored a goal?) ... great passing, good running off the ball, but off target like a wet weekend. Enough crticism .... you did well guys .... Im just being "Ally Mchoist". Captain Gung-Ho wasnt bad either, but had a bit of a Drogba day ... great strength but lacking killer instinct .....The game was played in good spirit, and Im glad to say we managed to preserve our "first place" status in the league, coming back from 3-0 in spectacular fashion to draw 4-4.
Right......End of the niceties .... Next game up!
Even though this was a social against "Beer Belly United" (no this is not their real name, but this is what they looked like) it was played in a very competitive spirit. I dont think we could blame the guys for the roughness of the game, as most of the opponents were noticeably drunk, looked like cave-trolls, ran about like oversized crabs and generally showed that they each had two left feet. The smell on the court was like walking into SAB for the first time ... aromas of Castle lager, Lion Lager, Black Label... sorry guys... no decent beers like Windhoek, Amstel or Heineken ... but the stuff that gives you a hangover. I played in the goalkeeper's position for a bit, and I must say thanks to those guys for rendering me half unconscious with the fumes, as my hand got blasted to smithereens. Had I not been tipsy from the fumes, I would have been crying in a corner, such was the ferocity of the shots at goal. There were lots of blatant fouls and dirty play, which once again got unnoticed ... our referee would make that ridiculous one from the Champions League semi-final look like a nice guy ... but im glad to say, we never got steam-rolled, and gave as much as we got .... unfortunately we had no substitutions, so what began as a fun game quickly turned into hell ...
Bottom line: we got Thor'd 6-3 in a game that would have made the Norse God cringe, and Im sure that the walls of Valhalla will be waiting for us when we leave this world ;-) Ragnaroth ...........
Above all this, I had fun with the team .... and Im really enjoying getting to know the players and their significant others alot better. Im appealing to everyone at work to attend at least one game, bring along a significant other (i know some of you have more than one, but that just means you have to come alot more than those that have one - headsup Vikram!). And thanks to Kopo for turning up as cheerleader .... in her first week here at Cell-Life. Youve set the standard - now the rest of you who have not attended one game have to follow suit.
Hope to see you all tomorrow night and the next clash 
BTW HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG MAC! Now you HAVE to get cake for the office !
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Another one bites the dust! |
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Written by Faisel
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Wednesday, 29 April 2009 15:44 |
Hi All,
Its that time of the week again ... when the rest of you get to feel a portion of the torture that poor Munaf has to live with in the office .... on a daily basis ........ its sports rant time! No Rashid... we wont be dissing Herschel in this Blog ... that would be sacrilege, and I dont have the energy to debate you on this .....
Newsflash! Readez vous all about it!
In the words of Freddie Mercury ... "Another one bites the Dust" ... you should have been at last night's match. The barbarian horde under new captaincy for the night came up against a well-kitted Platinum Stars. The opposition would have been more appropriately named if it had been "Schalk Burger and the Hobbits", as that was exactly the make-up of the opposition. Still feeling a little tender from the previous season (im sure there are still many guys at Cell-Life who are still tender from last season) I decided that I would watch the beginning of the match from the outside. From this point I was able to witness the match properly, not in supersonic mode (when hyperventilating and lactose buildup make the match seem in superpursuitmode - only knightrider fans will know this term). I was very impressed with what I saw, and Im proud to anounce Cell-Life's arrival as a complete footie team.
Stevie G Schafer was in a no-nonsense mood, playing with the elegance that Liverpool could only dream of. He really schafed around the court with that Lionel Messi flair, unlocking the Hobbits defense and setting up Lushakes Mashaba for his first goal in Cell-Life's colours. A beautiful switch of feet led to the hobbits falling all over the place (in the wrong direction) before the Jabu Pule lookalike slotted home with thunderous fury, blasting the ball past Schalk Burger. Not even the hairstyle could help the Schalk in keeping the ball out of the net!
Im seriously contemplating renaming the team Super Cells, as all our players seemd to have Duracells in. It was really the first match where we ran continuously, opening gaps in the other team like a packet of chips, toying with our food like kitty cats before delivering the killer blow. Big Mac as always, is impenetrable at the back, and was shown to be no slouch when playing in the midfield. I do however, have to be honest with you all ..... I feel much more secure when that 6ft4, 3ft wide frame is occupying the goal. I felt really sorry for Frodo and company, who had the presence of a cave troll to contend with. if you remember the scene where the troll bursts into the room (movie 1) tearing down the walls before smashing everything up, you can imagine the carnage that was laid down on the halflings. We all know that Schalk Burger can compete with Chuck Norris, but poor old Schalk couldnt handle the presence of the Big Mac - in Deluxe mode.
It seemed like Cell-Life had 80% of the posession last night, and even though the scoreline was 4-0 (our first cleansheet - Petr Cech, eat your heart out!), it was no reflection on the carnage that was dealt out. Im sure those poor chaps will be feeling a bit down after having touched the ball less than a dozen times in the whole match and only stringing together their only passes at the kick-off .... but as we know better than anyone else.. a wounded dog is a dangerous dog.
One thing is still lacking at these events, and that is crowd support. If the IPL can have cheerleaders making everything fun, then I dont see why we cant. We have some of the biggest names in sport in our team, and are fully deserving of some support. We have Stevie G, Lushakes Mashaba, Shoes Mukudu, Eben (Tank) Conley, Salsa Limbada, Big Mac (already a household name in every South African's home ..... and more .....)
Lets support our MIBs ...... ONE LOVE!
On another note, lets have an eatathon next week at the Champions League 2nd leg venue ... venue anyone????
Peace out! |
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Written by Faisel
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Thursday, 23 April 2009 17:37 |
Hi All,
This is not the normal blog ..... but ........ Welcome back to the blogroll .....
It has dawned on me that we are lacking some basic knowledge of childrens fairy tales and personalities at Cell-Life, and as a result of this, I would like to know everyones favourite. It shocked me that Shoes did not know about the "Little Hero of Haarlem", that the Vicker hadnt heard of Spike Milligan (no guys... not the movie director... thats Spike Lee) and that Tank had not heard of Ebenezer Scrooge (even though he was named after him). Have we been struck down by the imagination virus? im sure all of us had the data on our hard drives ( ... im talking about the one on your shoulders...) and the memories of our childhoods have been slowly but surely erased by adulthood .... Lets all go back to the times when girls were "yuck" and 30 was old, and relive the great stories of generations gone by ... sigh ... you cant write a sentence without ambiguity these days... ladies... Im not talking about the TV program on SABC 3!!!!
That being said, it would be terrible to rant and rave without doing what we do best ... and that is .... to blog ... I guess before we go any further lets pay the bills ... this BLOG is brought to you by Cell-Life. Right! That would have done even Coca Cola proud, so lets get on with it.....
Lately Ive been feeling a bit weird. Im not a sentimental person or emotional... and I usually treat things with an air of "thats life". But this past week Ive been feeling a host of strange emotions. When asked if I was going to vote, I originally said "NO", that I had lost interest and that it doesnt make a difference. I attributed this to not being an idealistic teenager anymore, with my life being run by logic and not emotion. However, I felt genuinely disappointed when I got to my voting station, where I had cast my vote for the past elections, to be turned back for not being on the registration list. Yet I had voted in all the previous elections! I felt gutted that my opinion would not be counted this time round, but thats life I guess....
Then theres also the recent losses in my extended family. Last week alone, I had to attend 3 funerals of people that had had enough of this world.... ok... 80 yrs old is a good innings, and I was ranting and raving with my mother that these deaths had just caused me inconvenience. But yesterday I sat down and thought about one of those people in particular, a dear old lady (my granny's cousin) who always allowed me and my friends to spend holidays at their place ... who let me use the rubberduck, even though her husband would moan afterwards, who had time for me, even though I was a troubled youth .... who I had forgotten about and barely visited in the last 6 years since her husband's passing. I remembered spending lots of time during school holidays at her home, playing in the garden, going to the jetty to fish .... looking for clams and other creatures under rocks on the beach across the road..... always having lots of tea and cakes whenever I came .... spending time with my grandmother .... who would generally be the reason we'd visit ..... and when I grew older .... spending time on the beach catching a good dose of vitamin D, smoking pot in the park next to the house, cajoling with the girl-next-door .... but always feeling good about my visit, as it made my granny happy to have someone available to drive her around to see family .....
I think its made me realise that Ive been existing the last couple of years... that I stopped living ... and just existed .... I realised that Ive neglected my Granny in the last couple years .... that Ive had less and less time for her .... that Ive let whats most important in my life be neglected in exchange for economic chains and shackles .....
Remembering university days ... all the fun in the world, flexi time, friends, sport ..... I was not interested in television much, nor was i interested in staying indoors and lazing on the couch .... i used to go OUT and have fun .... I WAS fun! Going to the stadiums to support the local teams or playing sport, having dinner nights at different friends' places, horse-riding, paragliding, bungee jumping, camping, hiking, surfing, taking a drive to nowhere.... just going for a drive.... spending friday nights at my granny's place with all my cousins and siblings (we are a very small family - I have 3 cousins) .... driving around with my granny .... feeling good because I was making her happy .... I know Im losing it now, but I just want us all to think about that which is important in our lives and to do the best we can to hold onto those things ............ before its too late....
So the passing of an old lady has been the dawn of my new existence. In fact, Im going to pop in at my granny's place tonight and see if I can take her anywhere for the weekend ... spend a bit of time ... make her happy ..... before I never get the chance to do so again ....... I implore everyone who reads this blog to pick up the phone, call up your folks or your grandparents ... visit an aunt .... do something .... dont say "I'll visit when she dies" and when that person is gone you are overwhelmed with regret ...... but the most important part ladies and gentlemen ... dont do it as a once-off .... do it often .....
My life reboots today ..... its truly the awakening .....
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Written by Faisel
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Wednesday, 22 April 2009 18:29 |
Hi All,
You are probably wondering what the subject line "Welcome Back!" is
about. To clarify this, lets just put last nights game into
perspective....
Bottom line: WE got the points! great start to a new season. "Welcome
back!"= back to earth again. After winning our knockout matches to get
us into the Gold final, we were once again brought back to earth with
a shattering 7-2 loss. But dont look so glum folks... our loss was
indeed at the hands of league 4 opposition! Nonetheless, it was a
loss.....
Right, now for commentary..... nothing grates me as much as watching a
Pepe Dosantos play sports analyst on E-tv, I dont think I could do
much worse .... but here goes .... Im not going to say "Chelsea is
going to win" but after the match tell everyone "I told you Liverpool
was going to win" ... no .... that would be a Pepe .....
Big Mac didnt play that much in goal last night, and against tougher
competition this time round it was like guys my size (5ft7) playing in
the NBA. I got my hands blasted to paste in the short while I stood
'keeper, so am feeling mighty sorry for Capitain Toffee and Salsa
Limbada. But we did well enough to trail 1-0 at halftime ... and thats
when the dam burst .... the poor little boy from Haarlem would have
needed to plug that hole in the wall with something better than his
thumb .... judging from the way it was raining goals in the second
half, he would have had to prop half his body in that gap to prevent
Holland from drowning ..... unfortunately the original story didnt
tell you how everything turned out .... the little boy was a hero,
yes... but the story lied to you .... how could he live happily ever
after when he had to have his thumb amputated???
Today Im feeling like that little boy .... although we got the points,
my body is not in happily ever after .... i think the same can be said
for everyone who played last night .... I must admit though, it wasnt
as hot as it normally is in there .... the IPL is keeping the players
away, but in the same breath, the IPL seems to have kept the sun away
...... i wonder if thats a good or bad thing.....
In any case, it doesnt feel like election week this week .... and I
certainly have lost interest in who wins ..... lets know how everyone
is feeling about this ... maybe I just dont have the enthusiasm for
elections that I had when the first democratic one came our way ....
everything thereafter seems to be an anti-climax.... enough doom and
gloom for the day .... the weather is bad enough as it is .... Im
looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow, as I feel a bit flu-ish today
..... but I know that, in the words of Vitalstatistix- "tomorrow never
comes".....
I must say, I hope that next week we have our regulars back in the
team... our team lacked that Stevie G presence, and it would be good
to have Toffee back in the sweetspot ... "striking down upon thee with
great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison
and destroy my brothers" .....
We also need our playground bully - Tank Conley, and could do with the
infallable Benjani, more of the Zim Runner (and run he DID!), a bit of
skill from Shoes Mukudu, some defensive support from Lushakes-mashaba
.....
Vuyo, Vikram, Munaf and Tim .... you are not excluded and I will be
making one game (you dont need to play, but you MUST support)
compulsory ..... Ladies at Cell-Life, you are not exempt either!
And Thats the way Aha Aha I like it (Casey and the sunshine band)
Enough Said (Bernie Mac -oceans 13) |
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Written by Faisel
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Thursday, 16 April 2009 16:00 |
Hi All,
Last night was a night to remember. Two smoking hot footie matches to
go with all the heated arguments at home. Enough said. This is a
footie blog, and the latter can be found on my personal blog (why
girlfriend 5.0 should not be upgraded to wife 1.0). Please feel free
to comment on my private space ......
I kinda felt left out this time round, as my ankle still hasnt
recovered from one of the round robin matches, and Im still finding it
difficult to hobble about. But worse than that, I forgot to bring the
marshmallows to the game. The game was so electrifying and heated,
action packed and tense that it wouldve done the proudly south african
thing to the marshmallows .... toasted them for sure. It has to be
said that the skill level of both teams' players was smoking hot ...
and no .... the rasta-man was not puffing something illegal, but his
footwork was fantasia-tastic. As if the mouthwatering prospect of UEFA
champions league wasnt enough for the evening, here we were treated to
some phenomenal football.
Notable performances by Tank Conley, who bulldozed his way through the
Slaizer Cheese players to slot home the opening goal. Im sure those
guys are feeling it today, as they had no replacements and still had
to contend with the leathery cell-life bunch, who Im glad to report,
have changed their ways from the meak timid children to the school
bullies. There were lotsa other notable performances
.................. by Stevie-G Schafer, Shoes Mukudu, Lushakes-mashaba
Ntoni, Ro(na)ldo, Hanief (Relegation-bound) Allie, Peter Pan and MAN
OF THE MATCH - BIG MAC (Mahdi Hendricks - trust me.. when you see him,
you'll know why we call him Big Mac).
Bic Mac was stunning during the game. My man of the tournament fo
shizzle, saving two penalties, and being impenetrable. Im sure most of
you who have eaten McDogfood would agree, the most filling burger is
#1 (Big Mac). And thats exactly what Mahdi did... he filled the goal
posts with a presence of note, and left Cell-life with that
satisfactory fullfilment, much like one feels after a supersized
macmeal.
Scores were 2-2 at halftime, 4-4 at extra time. and Im proud to say
that we have some silver medals to show for it. We didnt bring home
the bacon (no thanks - Im halaal compliant), but we brought home
something better .... a group of guys who have learnt to become a
team, have gotten to know each other beyond the realms of work, have
demonstrated fight ... even when the chips were down .....
And heres the best of it all ... did anyone notice who the big bad
wolves were? Who did all the hufing and puffing and nearly blew the
house down? Definitely NOT cell-life .... for once Slaizer Cheese were
the dripping MOzzarella topping you get on a pizza, hot, pummeled and
sticky .... Some advice to them ... go home and frame that gold medal
... judging from Cell-life's performance last night, ITS YOUR LAST
ONE!!!!!!!!!
Sour Grapes? Definitely not! Sour grapes is KSS today after last
nights champions league. |
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